I loved and lost it. I found a new one though am yet to say that “I am not scared anymore.” There were loads of reasons that I felt so strongly about losing love but could not put words into. Maybe because I was scarred. Maybe because I gave everything that I thought I could, but still missed all the points. Maybe because I wasn’t given enough pointers on how to love without asking for anything back. Maybe I loved and didn’t really lose it but forget to keep some for myself. This is I, telling you how I coped about losing my family because of irreparable “missed-enculturation.” After three years of my silence, I am writing letters to Broken Heart, my only Son, my newfound Love, and to Everyone that I felt I should have reached out to but I may have intentionally forgotten to uninvolved them in my predicaments.
Dear Broken Heart, thank you for all the lessons you have taught me. You showed me how to become strong and resilient towards melancholy while I was in my loneliest days in life. Contrary to what you accused me, I do not have the slightest intention of hurting you nor myself. To inflict pain on you would mean hurting myself and I could not do that. I now realize that you have left a long time even before I knew you were gone. I guess that would weigh in as the heaviest of all my regrets on us. I was too involved in building a physical family that I forgot your needs. However, I could not recall you asking me how I was doing with all these new things I have to deal with. You assumed that I was enjoying it because I could not reveal to you my loneliness and pain, I have to hide my tears, I have to show you my strongest sense because I thought showing you my weaknesses will cause us to fall apart. I was not ready to fail. I assumed that what I was doing was the right thing in every sense of it. In the end, by showing you my strongest I made both of us weak and caused us to fall apart. But it’s over now Broken Heart. I thank you. I mean it. It’s Me.
Now, let me tell you my back-story. Three years ago, my wife and son left few days before my birthday. Of course, that only means that it was few days before Valentine’s Day. As a Filipino brought up loving and romanticizing the day of birth and love, losing my family was a great deal. I died that day. I do not have a family to celebrate a new year of life nor do I have a wife and son to cuddle with on 02.14.2014. (Those numbers were significant. I had prepared some kind of exciting plan to celebrate that day.) However, this story is not about how my ex-wife and I fell apart. This entry is not going to tell you anything about who did wrongly towards the other. What this broken marriage taught both of us, I hope, is that we are better friends than married partners. None of us became a victim but our son. That’s how I felt when they left. I didn’t feel more guilt than every time I think about my son and how he will become because of this missed-marriage.
To you my Dear Son, I am greatly sorry that you have to go through all of this. It is not my intention to make my partnership with your mom fall apart. I know that as much as she did what she can to keep us together, I did my part. I worked more than I used to in my entire life. Not only in the literal sense of it to keep food on our table and ensure a warm bed for the family. I come from the Philippines and moved away from everything familiar: climate, language, culture, and family. Yes I left my own family to build one that included yourself and your mom. But that also means that I don’t have anybody but the two of you in this part of the world that is very unfamiliar to me. I failed you. There is nothing I can do now but apologize and hope that someday you will understand that your mom and I think that we are providing you with a better world without us together in the picture but still full of love and nurturing so that someday you will become a better person than we have ever been. That someday, you will be wiser as you choose to build a family you will call your own. This is your father begging you to love me still despite my shortcomings. I will be here for you as long as you need me. My son, It’s Me.
It is almost the end of February and I still fall short in starting to end my story. It must be that I am tired again. Like I have always been. I tried to make something up on how I found the courage to speak the truth about my story. But I always make more steps back than forward. Because I do not know if anyone who have heard it will believe me. I do not know if they will still trust my truth. I don’t even know if my premise in making this story is justifiable. Do I even know why I started the whole story?
Dear Everyone, There were few of you whom I met at the beginning of the month. Friends and family that I have not spoken to in years but because of my little love letters, we have made a bond stronger than I could hope for. There were also some of you that because of my story seemed to have walked away. To those who have embraced my little story, I thank you for your thoughts. I have learned that wherever you are in the world, Oceans may have separated us, I have been in your thoughts. To you who showed me that loving is all encompassing. I would like to thank you. Thank you for showing me that love is not only found but will also find me when the right person shows up at the right time and place. And yes, you can hate me now too. If you feel like I have made you fall into what I call a “creative pit” that I elaborately composed. Honestly, I have to dig some kind of courage and hope that poetic license can justify what I have made. I can tell you now, that in all of the first 14 days of February, you have shown me nothing but love. You have taught me valuable lessons that I would have never thought were actually available. You showed me that I was actually looking at the wrong places so I totally missed what was important. Thank you for pointing it out to me. Sorry for creating a 14-day February story that got few of you hoped for and dropped just when it was about the day of Valentine’s. For those of you who were touched and was made happy by my story, I will tell you now that even though the first 14 days of February may have made you confused hearing a story about my newfound Love, you have given me your time and you celebrated love with me. For those of you who were skeptical that all my daily words were just a part of a social experiment, I do have four words for you: Yes, you are right! To you Everyone, You have become the therapist I would love to call in the wee-hours when I feel the most vulnerable. I hope you do not walk away after today. It is still Me.
Let me explain a little bit about those little love letters you found on my Facebook page. They may have not been exactly what was happening as the days that I wrote them go by, but they are the truth. They are my truth. I was haunted by a love that I lost. Too many of them all at the same time. I felt that I have not moved on and still feel guilty of losing them in the first place. I could have done something more to have kept it. There were a lot of could haves and should haves. But at the end of the day, it is all over. And, yes, it is also the truth: I am in love.
To you Love, there are no words that could describe how grateful I am of you for showing me that life is worth of many second chances. I found you at a time when I thought I have to walk away from love. You came at the right time and showed me that love does not ask for anything in return. You taught me that love is a lot of work made easy when I have somebody to catch me when I topple head first and to make me strong when I feel the weakest. In return, you have allowed me to know the secrets and art of becoming the man that I am and the man that I can become; to balance my feet on the wire while I carry us across. Love, you taught me that relationship is strongest when I do not say that I am with you nor do you say that you are with me but that we are together in all of this. I pray that these “little love letters” I wrote for you could reach you and tell you everything about the intents of my heart: (Feb1&2.) You sexy Love, when you know your eyes can melt me, why do you keep on staring? (Feb3.) We spoke about this before but when you asked me to tell my family and friends about us, you know they live around the world, right? And I tell you that they know that what I feel is sincere because I do not joke about love. (Feb4.) Your “Good Morning kiss and love” makes my stalled weekend train more tolerable and I hope you keep doing it because I will always have slow train rides on weekends and holidays as long as I am in New York City. (Feb5.) It’s not fair that you know exactly how to make me forget who I am. Though the funny thing is, I do not want to find myself because I’d rather be lost with you than find myself with somebody else. (Feb6.) Ahh, those eyes… those lips… I closed mine & I still see your gaze… I sealed mine & I still feel your warmth… (Feb7.) These words have been told countless times, in different languages, across cultures, and in ways more than one. My truth is that distance reminds me that you are better than dessert at Martha’s. We taking seconds? (Feb8.) Forgive my heart because you made it younger again and music have made my feet grounded while I float though I am convinced that I am falling so deeply in love so I sing, “last night you were in my room. I’m in love with the shape of you… la la la.” (Feb9.) The Nor’easter storm arrived and I was unprepared but thanks to your love that has kept my winter warm. It made me realize how much you really mean the world to me. (Feb10.) Oh, your smile makes me cry; maybe this is why waiting feels like an encumbering trial. I know it is too much to ask but I wish for you here when I come home after a night’s work. I do not care if I get used to it. Kill me and I will live to want the same everyday. (Feb11) is my birthday but there is no question, I care more about making you happy. (Feb12.) I asked you something I have asked before but like I said, It feels like we’ve known each other for a while now; What do you think of a ring that could keep us together hoping for an ever time in love and death? You told me your answer that day and I withheld it from everybody because the next day (Feb13.) I wrote that I didn’t know seen-zoned is real. I hope this has nothing to do about yesterday. (Feb14.) Love, contrary to what I wrote (on Feb14.) you have made me the happiest when you agreed that we build a dream together. Love, Me. Forever.
It is not over. This is just the beginning of the many second chances. It is far from over. I have a feeling that there are more lessons to learn about Broken Heart, my growing Son, if Everyone stays around (there may be friendship that could last a lifetime). Yes. This is my truth. I AM INLOVE WITH LOVE.